My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
