Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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