I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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