I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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