Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
