she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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