I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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