The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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