he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I will be naked everywhere
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
