she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
