hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
