oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
