accomplished twins. life is a go
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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