dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I want a musical about memes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
