I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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