How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
there was a trapeze. enough said
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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