They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
