I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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