So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
