So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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