i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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