the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
