Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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