normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Even my vagina gasped.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
