Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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