I've blown a few things in my day
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Operation Purity has been aborted
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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