don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
