He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize