I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
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He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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