My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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