Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
