Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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