did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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