Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
