can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
