I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
