youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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