I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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