Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
