Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
