A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
