i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize