so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
