I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
