Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
