TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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