Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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