I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
