Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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