On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Buhtt sex?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
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We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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