Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
