I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
