I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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