Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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