"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
