dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
