So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
