Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
