Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
