Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
