I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
