Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
