i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
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The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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